Overzealous New Trashcans Causing Fear on Campus

As close to the trashcans as our reporters were willing to get.

          We all admired the new solar-powered trashcans that appeared on campus after Spring Break, with their high tech look and flashing green lights. But stories are emerging about a darker side to the waste-crushing machines. "It took my 20 page art history paper as I was throwing out a cup" claimed one junior, Pat Agonia. It is feared that trash is their liveblood, and we are only strengthening them everyday. Some are now questioning where the cans came from, after no one was able to come forward taking responsibility; it is widely believed they ate the old trashcans and replaced them in the night.
           Most alarming are reports that one can allegedly ate a freshmen, Nell Anvoid, the only evidence being a ripped backpack laying a few feet away. Unfortunately the evidence is gone after Security, thinking it was just trash, threw it in another compactor.

Rogue Group Protests Bottle Water Ban, Claims 'Violation of Free Will'

            "We Want The Right!!" This chant came from a vigilante group, protesting inside the Retreat on Thursday against the ban of sale of bottled water on campus. The group DERP (Don't Eliminate our Right to Purchase) has responded militantly to this ban. Exercising their right to bear arms, they have taken over a corner of the Retreat and hope to scare enough people to begin negotiations.

          One DERP member has actually locked himself in one of the vending refridgerators that houses the alledged bottled water, in order to protect it from removal. He has a sign tied to his neck that reads, "Inform, don't infringe!"

          The environmental benefit of a 2,000 person college giving up bottled water is obvious, and we hail both sides for such an objective and rigorous debate.

Hot New Trend Sweeping VC Campus: Snack Hat

          The hottest lifestyle accessory to catch on at VC is Snack Hat, 'The hat with pockets for food on the go!' It was conceived by two like-minded entrepreneurs who saw an opening in the college hat market. The designers emphasized that "the user is no longer confined to a singular mode of snack storage; Snack Hat breaks down all barriers of snack transportation. It is a total revolution of both accessibility and interaction."

          Snack Hat is multifunctional and can hold a variety snacks and even non-snack items, like crayons, Chapstick, condoms, and cigarettes. One can wear Snack Hat virtually anywhere, anytime, garnering the respect and admiration from all those around them. 

          Needless to say, Snack Hat has become a cult item. With a very limited number of editions, it is in high demand and students are scrambling to get their hands on one. 

[The Editors of the VC Nargus fully endorse Snack Hat, which is very, very real.]

When Disaster Strikes at Dinner: Deece Serves Live Cow Instead of Regular Burgers

          CONTRIBUTING REPORTER-In one of the most-talked about turn of events occurring in the ACDC since the infamous ‘Great Banana Robbery of ’87’, students who asked for a hamburger, cheeseburger, or any variation of the two, were not given their order.  Instead, they were wordlessly directed towards a back room containing a fairly large, ambling cow, affectionately named Betsy.  When asked about what this all means, an ACDC director dispassionately replied, “No comment”. 

          Some students have surmised, since it was a Monday, strong-arm Meatless Monday activists went to great lengths to ensure that no one would be able to eat meat.  Others proposed that this was some sort of avant-garde pop-up restaurant.  “This is culinary experimentation at its best” one junior commented.  “A bold chef seems to be really testing his or her skills with regards to the way meat is prepared.  And, the best part is, it’s locally grown, and totally organic”.  In any case, Betsy has been let free, and can be spotted grazing around Sunset Lake.

Security Discovers VC's Collective Consciousness Hiding In Lathrop Basement

          BREAKING NEWS -- Late Monday night, VC Security forces heard drums and chanting coming from the Lathrop basement. They cautiously ventured down and found the basement dark. Donning shields and turning on night-vision, security was excited to use the new riot gear they had just purchased. 

            Security forces approached the sound and realized it was eminating from a large blow-up Incredible Hulk, Jumanji style. The collective consciousness had apparently been hiding since the mid-nineties, but from what, we cannot say at this time. Students were surprised to learn this. Senior Jan Newbaum comments, "Its about time. We have to rally, dust it off, and reclaim our collective consciousness." However, freshman Billy Greenthaw is less optimistic, "Serves us right. The college has turned its back on it's collective consciousness. The campus is already so detatched, within itself and within the community, there's no hope. Head for the shelters!" 

          The campus gallery has offered to put it on display where students can view it for a small fee.

Students Already Prepping for 4/20

          With St. Patrick's Day done, students have begun planning for the next green holiday: April 20th. In just a few weeks, this National Holiday will commence, but before that there is a lot of preparation to be done.     Student Marcy Bowkew '14 has already cleaned her hookah, 
and knows many of her friends are washing out their water pipes 
and other paraphernalia. Stocking up on supplies is another must 
before the big day.
      Others are making sure the event becomes one to remember.  
B.V. Dease '15 and his friends have made t-shirts for the 
occasion, and plan on wearing matching sweatbands. One person 
not happy with all this preparation, Stacey Sherman '13, who 
complained that her "whole bathroom smells like nasty bong 
water and rubbing alcohol."

Piano Un-Tuner Finally Caught

          If you've been subjected to poorly played piano music this week, don't blame the musician. Since the college came back from spring break, a previously unidentified person had been making the rounds of the dorms, un-tuning the pianos and causing every piece played to be a sure cacophony. This musical torture was inflicted not only on the player but on the entire dorm who was forced to hear.

  The culprit, Hal Apenyo '13, was finally caught Thursday night 
while sticking pencils in one of the pianos. He was caught by 
the newly formed vigilante group Players for Peace who had set 
up watchgroups for all the dorm pianos. When caught, Apenypo 
refused questioning and will be sentenced within the next few 
days. PFP is lobbying for a week in solitude with nothing but the 
sounds of an introductory keyboard class attended by 5 year olds.

Drunk Student Loses Another Cellphone on TH Path

          BREAKING NEWS -- Last night, around 2:45 AM, sophomore Brad Griffith lost his cellphone somehwere between Chicago Hall and the TH's. He has asked VC Nargus to put an APB out for it. He says, "The last place I remember having it was texting a girl I wanted to meet up with and go to a friend's birthday party. After I lost my phone, I felt like an idiot. I had no way of communicating with anyone around me." Brad feels crippled by the absence of his phone. He uses it for a clock, an alarm, and a white-noise maker.

          Needless to say, Brad is pissed. "If someone stole my cellphone, I'm going to hunt them down and beat the shit out of them. I cannot buy a third cellphone in two weeks, my dad will kill me." And then thinking outloud to himself, "Damn it. That means I can't call my mom. I have to call her every week for these long talks about 'how I'm doing'... this blows."

           VC Nargus is doing everything in it's power to hunt down Brad's phone. If anyone has any information, please send it to vcnargus@gmail.com. The reward has been set at $12.90, a hug from Brad and a front page article on VC Nargus.

Campus Environmental Groups Coin Term "Bottled Water Bitch"

          After a failed attempt to pass a resolution effectively banning bottled water on campus, many environmental groups at VC are teaming up to stop environmental desecration. They have come up with an approach akin to 'trash-talk'. But it's not your average, "Yo mama's so stupid, she put paper in the plastic bin" jokes. 

          These environmental groups are targeting the consumer's buying power, and triggering buyer's remorse by quietly whispering "Bottled Water Bitch" as students walk away, holding their liquid oppression. This is not meant to target women, or indeed even people buying bottled water. It is a gesture to raise awareness about the needless damage bottled water does to our environment.

Woodworking Study Break Goes Awry

          It can be hard coming up with inventive Study Breaks, those hour long weekday events held by House Teams to allow students to blow off some steam and maybe get a little creative. One dorm chose to hold a Woodworking event, where participants would collectively build a set of bird houses to hang around campus. The team thought it would be a good way to get everyone working together, and probably very few had held a hammer since seventh grade shop class. They also thought that, coming right back from spring break, stress would be low and there would be little danger. Unfortunately, stress was high, as few had completed any homework over break. 
          Problems started when the students were asked to use a hammer and nail to combine pieces of wood to make the walls of the miniature houses. Several started crying when they could not line up the edges straight enough, and were led away for an hour of peaceful meditation. One student, Chris Coe '13, commandeered the meeting by suggesting that they combine the houses to make a "bird condo", which was quickly latched onto by the participants, overriding the house teams' cries. Eventually, the student in charge of the event tried to kick out Coe, starting a riot among the students who decried the "censorship of speech" and began chucking handfuls of nails and tools at the house team. In the end, the mishmash of wood, nails, and disconnected roofs was claimed as an "open space" for birds, an idea that many, aside from Coe, seemed happy enough with.

Former President Clinton Calls Limbaugh’s Comments “A total bro move.”

GUEST REPORTER-It appears that former president Clinton is in hot water with the former first lady yet again. Upon hearing the controversial and widely considered inappropriate comments made by talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, Clinton laughed then responded in a somewhat unique manner. Clinton at first tried to contain his laughter, before giving in to a fit of what he called “the giggles.” After more than three minutes of attempting to contain himself, Clinton, finally managed to say “what a total bro move” before continuing to laugh uncontrollably. He continued to say, through continued chortling, that “the Republicans will not defeat my brown brotha, Barrry O [Barack Obama], with Romney, Santorum, Gingrich or that little old man whose name escapes me as their candidate. They need a man with a sense of humor and the White House should be occupied by a bro. No disrespect to my dark skinned pal Barry, but he just is not bro material.” Clinton was then asked if he was under the influence of marijuana and began laughing uncontrollably again. His much delayed, misty, red eyed response was “it depends on how you use the word ‘if.’” 

           Upon hearing her husband’s response, current Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, was visibly irritated. In a fit of what appeared to be suppressed rage she calmly stated that “Bill loves the sluts. We all remember that bitch Lewinsky. If that floosy Ms. Fluke ever comes near my husband I will personally drug her and put her on a one way flight to Siberia. Best of luck to Ms. Fluke in her future endeavors and the Democratic Party will continue to support her right to birth control.” Ms. Fluke could not be reached for comment, but was recently spotted leaving the Clinton residence in Manhattan through the back door, where coincidentally former President Clinton claims to have just been inside. VC Nargus will continue to report on whether the man known affectionately to many as “Wild Bill” can talk his way off of the couch.

New "Construction" Actually Search for Treasure

The X's mark the spots where Matt is alleged to have buried treasure.

  The college just announced its intent to create a new gas line that snakes through campus. What the student population and many of the faculty don’t know is that this so-called construction is actually the brainchild of the library and anthropology department, who are have underhandedly taken control of the Building Committee. Evidence shows that bribery, blackmail, and an alleged beagle kidnapping has forced all but 2 minor members of the Committee to vote on a proposal to build the new line.

          The real reason for the construction begins with the archival librarian Kit Caboodle, who found a set of maps created by Matt before he died. She brought them to the anthropology department to decipher, where they discovered that the maps actually lead to buried treasure on campus. Unfortunately for the crew, the map points to multiple points, hence the reason for the gas line. No word on how they intend to claim the treasure once it’s found, or what the alleged treasure is (gold doubloons? an armory of ancient weapons? a secret beer recipe?).

Sayanything Publishes Bi-Weekly Paper

          If you participate in the virtual web-o-sphere at VC, you likely have an opinion on the online forum SayAnything. Some call it a paragon of free expression, some call it poison.

It comprises of equal parts:

- complaints about drunk students on the quad/in halls

- ill-conceived memes

- showtune/Tupac videos

- questions about sexual habits, virginity, and pubic hair

- and the doleful "We were drunk last night, but I still couldn't tell you how I feel..."

          The infamous online forum has decided to venture into print publication. With very little relevant content, the publication may have a hard time keeping the student body's interest.
          The editors are considering companion columns, battling out issues as Liberals vs. Libertarians, with guest opinion writer Freshman Philosophy major. Issues will likely range from "As current students here, how has the college changed in the last 25 years?" to "Am I able to ascribe to reverse snobbery?" Great minds battling it out, and we have a front-row seat.

Even the Nargus Needs a Break

The Editors of The VC Nargus will be taking a break from our daily shanangins. But have no fear! We will be back full force after Spring Break.

Thank you for all the support. With nearly 3,000 views in 3 weeks, I'd say things things are going pretty damn well.

So absorb, digest and poop out some satire for article ideas over break. And then send any suggestions you have to vcnargus@gmail.com

Stay Cheery,

- The VC Nargus

We leave you in the capable hands of the illustrious Mr. Bean. He will be looking after you during break, in your room, while you sleep.