Deece Mug Gets Lost, Nobody Cares

                     Early this morning, an undercover security officer finally found the missing Deece mug. Security had sent out an Amber Alert on Friday at 10:00pm for the missing mug. Tensions were high as the loss would have set the Deece back $2.46. As of now, there are several suspected accomplices, including the professor who turned out to be a homeless man and the notorious mug smuggler "Big O". 
          Students who were asked about this situation tended to "not give a shit." The disparity between the overreaction of Security forces and the underwhelming response by students may be evidence of something. Exactly what this is, I do not know. 

Theater Review: "Bros Before Hos" Reveals a Different Side of the Jock Stereotype

The scene of the play.

          The all-male theater group on campus, Righteous Bros, has created a new masterpiece in their spring 2012 play: Bros Before Hos. The entire play takes place on the bleachers of a high school facing a track/football field over various afternoons, focusing on a group of friends who regularly meet there after practice from various sports. It attempts to rectify the stereotype of the "jock," so frequently dumbed down, sexed up, and void of real emotion. 

          The script was written by senior Alfredo D. Darke, a self-proclaimed "bro" who says he is "disgusted by all these poor portrayals of ambitious athletic men. I want a three-demensional character, not some flabby piece of cardboard." He did indeed create six strong characters, who battle everything from cheating girlfriends to disappointed fathers, bad chemistry grades and college application stress. The standout character would have to be the gay soccer player, Chuck, who is accepted by his friends but must decided how to tell his devout Christian family he likes dudes. Prepare to laugh, cry, and think hard about the American Jock.

We give it 5 out of 6 cankles:

Student Fails To 'Watch' Another Student's Stuff

          We have all asked another student, "Hey, can you watch my stuff for a sec...?" This common anti-theft courtesy is employed for both peace of mind and a sense that, hey, this great person will make sure all of your "stuff" is not stolen. Normally all goes well, and you return from pooping, a cigarette break, mid-day hookup, etc.
          But what happens when the watcher is called into action? Will they rise to the task? Will they defend your "stuff"?! The answer is usually NO. Most students will avoid confrontation at all costs, and will likely not stop a perpetrator from assaulting your "stuff".
          This theory was confirmed on Friday when a student's Mac Book Pro was shot three times by an assault rifle in front of its 'watcher'. When the student returned, she was horrified to find that her stuff was ruined. The 'watcher' offered her laptop (not a Mac), but was turned down. Security asked to be involved, but the students preferred the handle the situation themselves. They are now working out a monthly payment plan for the damaged laptop.

House Advisor Becomes Drunk With Power, Imposes Martial Law on Dorm

          The past few weeks have been wrought with stress in the lives of one dorm on campus, after their House Advisor has become inexplicably engulfed in his own newfound authority. But yesterday afternoon he took advantage of sub-clause 1B in the Dorm Rulebook, allowing him to impose Martial Law on his whole dorm. He was able to do this because of the series of instances of vandalism throughout the dorm in the past 36 hours, which enabled him to declare a State of Emergency and seize control. He has now imposed a 10 pm curfew, daily house meetings and morning check-in at 7 am.
         Many students are visibly frazzled, and question the ease at which he seized power. One terrified junior said that the residents were frequently disrupted by megaphone announcements projected down the halls. A member of the campus patrol said that the house advisor was demanding a student guard outside his offices whenever he was working there. And one freshman who was called into his office for an interrogation said he would frequently look at himself in the mirror and even called himself "General Cornholio." It remains to be seen if the State of Emergency will lighten anytime soon. This reporter will be checking in from the front lines.

Campus Gallery Invests $50,000 in 'Trash Art', Older Trustees Question 'Progressive' Investment

          The campus' Art Gallery has always prided itself on its extensive modern art collection ranging from Picasso and Rothko to Pollock and Bacon. The art is a huge asset, used by professors to teach students about many different forms of cultural expression. Over the weekend, an installation labeled "Trash Art" was put into the museum. 
          The contemporary artist Hugh G. Rection assembles trash in one-of-a-kind installments for different galleries and museums. His method of construction includes emptying trash cans from around the gallery onto the floor, signifying the reclamation of what was lost... and now is found. An Environmental Studies class recently visited the exhibition. One student remarks, "It's a commentary on what the upper-class sees as a one-way street when it comes to consumption and waste. It really opened my eyes to the false paradigm of the separation of gallery space from environmental concerns."
             The recent purchase by the gallery, however, has stirred some controversy. Older Trustees and Board members are confused by the investment. They cannot see the justification for this $50,000 investment. One trustee commented, "We could be buying 50 brand new laptops for students who really need them, and instead we're paying for some schmuck to come in and make a mess in our nice gallery. (sighs) I guess I just don't understand modern art." 
          Professor and students alike are rapt in attention to the absurdity of this exhibit. It has provided a much needed point of discussion for classes and will likely remain in the gallery until the end of the year, despite its ever intensifying smell. 

New Anti-Smoking Policy Enforced 5 Mile Radius Around Campus

          Enough is enough. As New York State passed anti-smoking laws in late 2003, the college is finally catching up. In the state of New York smoking is prohibited in the following indoor areas (via nyhealth): 

Places of employment;

Bars;

Enclosed indoor areas open to the public containing a swimming pool;

Public means of mass transportation, including subways;

All public and private colleges, universities and other educational and vocational institutions, including dormitories, residence halls, and other group residential facilities that are owned or operated by such colleges, universities and other educational and vocational institutions;

Zoos; and

Bingo facilities.

           In 2011, New York City passed a smoking ban on many public outdoor areas (via CNN). The college is now following suit, and in Fall 2012 is banning smoking in public areas on campus. The college intends to test the reach of its power by prohibiting smoking anywhere within 5 miles of the campus. The college recognizes that the new policy may restrict certain personal freedoms, but realizes its civil duty is to protect the health and well-being of those in its community. The college hopes that local residents will respect the new anti-smoking policy, complying due to the college's reputation. 

          The policy extends into downtown Poughkeepsie and even over into Highland. Many students are openly opposed to the policy, but the college assures them that it is what's best. Updates to follow. 

Flagrant Sticky-Noter Finally Detained By Adminstration & Security Forces

          Who can resist writing an anonymous note to the asshole who peed all over the toilet seat? Or to the person who left their cup-o-noodles in and around the sink? It's always "we live together" this, and "golden rule" that. Sticky-note notices have become a norm at VC as a non-confrontational way to tell someone to piss-off because they're making everyone else's lives hard. 
           But recently there has been a flagrant abuser of the sticky-note system. This person is leaving notes that have nothing to do with anything. But they always contain a sassy remark that targets the reader's self worth. The administration has deemed these notes "hostile to the students' living environment" and is teaming up with security who claims the notes are a "fire hazard". Together, wielding maximum judicial power, the team has located, detained and prosecuted the perpetrator. The punishment has not been set, but may range from menial labor to expulsion. Stay tuned for further details. 

Locals Claim Desecration, Practice of Gravestone Rubbing Comes Under Attack

College student rapt in attention at the task of stone rubbing. 

          Beginning as a revivalist trend last fall, Stone Rubbing spread like wild-fire this winter at VC. It was a fun way to spend an afternoon, kneeling before a particular slab, slowly tracing its delicate lines in solemn remembrance of a bygone colleague. This fad exploded in the 1960's as a way to come in communion with the spirit world, but became cool to post up in off-beat graveyards. The college has latched on to this 'vintage trend' and now nearly every student has a gravestone rubbing on his/her wall.
          However, local citizens are expressing concern as students will loiter in the graveyards, often staying for hours at a time. There have been reports of bonfires, littering, excessive noise, and even on occasion something that younger students call "grave-tipping". Citizens have demanded that college put a ban on gravestone rubbing and to crack down on visitation to the graveyard.

Presence of Chairs Prompts Shutdown of Elevators

          Taking the elevator can seem like a lazy choice compared to walking up the stairs, but a new level of indolence is reached when chairs are added to the mix. It is not uncommon to see a stray chaise in the elevator, or scuffle matches over who gets to sit in the royal throne. One interviewee, who chose to remain anonymous, said he once witnessed a martial arts style fight that included some "pretty sweet" aerial flips; his story has yet to be confirmed.
         There has never been a problem with these chairs in the elevators, however this morning there was a campus-wide shutdown of all elevators that consistently held them (As of right now, the only elevators to be shut down are the one in Davi and UPC). At first, the reason cited was "fire hazard" however when the reporter pointed out that elevators are prohibited when there is a fire, the chairs were them blamed as "safety hazards" and could possibly be used as weapons. As there isn't even room to swing a cat in an elevator, the real reason remains to be discovered.

Barefoot Monkey Performs With Shoes, Ostracized By Group

           In a groundbreaking coup, VC Nargus reporter Ann Arky has landed an interview with a former Barefoot Monkey, who was recently let go of the circus troupe for refusing to perform barefoot. Arky speaks to the disgruntled former Monkey, who is planning to file a lawsuit any day now.

AA: When did you start as a Monkey?

Marshal Arts*: Well, I joined the Monkeys about a month ago, I'm a fruit juggler see. Usually whatever I can get from the Deece: apples, oranges, bananas. When I perform, I like to use bigger pieces of fruit: grapefruits, cantaloupes, watermelons and the like.

AA: No vegetables?

MM: Veggies just don't have that sense of fun that fruits do. Not as colorful.

AA: Did you always wear shoes to practices?

MM: Yeah, and no one seemed to have a problem with it. I wasn't the only one either, it is winter afterall. But two weeks ago we had a rehearsal practice outside, and I noticed I was the only one wearing any type of footwear.

AA: What type of shoes were you wearing? Our readers want to know!

MM: When we practice I usually wear my red Nike Deuces, but that day I had on Keds. No one ever said anything to me, but the next day I got an e-mail calling me to a "special disciplinary hearing" in the Villard Room. I showed up and the Council of Aged Apes was there in a row with a chair for me.

AA: What is the Council of Aged Apes?

MM: This was the first time I had heard about them too, and if I wasn't already let go I wouldn't be telling you about them, but they are the seven most senior members of the group who deal with disciplinary matters within the group.

AA: Wow, that certainly is a quite startling revelation. Could you identify them for us?

MM: They were all wearing monkey half-masks, but I knew who they were. I can't tell you though, I'm still a little terrified.

AA: What did they say to you?

MM: In a nutshell, they told me that I had to renounce my shoe-wearing ways, or else risk expulsion from the troupe. They said I was an embarrassment to all members of the club. Then they put a metal wastepaper basket in front of me and told me to throw my shoes in and burn it, to fully cleanse myself of the "wicked ways of footwear."

AA: That sounds awful, what did you say in response?

MM: I told them there was no way in hell I was performing barefoot, or doing anything barefoot. I even wear shoes in the shower. I mean, it's winter for monkey's sake! I also have a medical reason: terrible planters warts. I have to keep them covered 24/7 if I have any hope of getting rid of them. I also tried to play the fire safety card, but those pyromaniacs didn't give a baboon's ass about that.

AA: And that wasn't a good enough excuse?

MM: They didn't give a rotten banana about my excuse, though they were quite interested in examining my warts. Finally, they announced that I was to be let go, and they bombarded me with rotten fruit.

AA: They threw rotten fruit at you?

MM: Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was a knock at my act, or just their ritual way of expelling someone from the group. Anyways, by the time I had gotten back to my dorm, I reeked and some of it had frozen to my skin. The upside is that my cheeks are really soft now.

AA: That sounds quite traumatic. What are you planning to do now?

MM: I'm filling a lawsuit against the school, more specifically the troupe. If that doesn't work, then I'll have to start my own, footwear based circus group.

AA: Well, I wish you the greatest success with your lawsuit, and hope that in the future, no one will be turned away because of his/her decision to wear shoes.

*Name has been changed to protect his/her identity.

Hair Discovered In Shower Drain, Security Launches Full Investigation

          BREAKING NEWS ---- Last night in a undisclosed campus dorm, security came across a pile of hair in the 2nd shower stall, obviously left there by someone who wanted to get rid of it. Security has dropped everything and is launching a comprehensive investigation to find who the hair belongs to and why they would want to stash it in the drain of a shower.

          Security is concerned that if the perpetrator is left undisciplined, it will result in absolute chaos and disorder.

          There have been several leads. A few weeks ago, one student saw saw the professor known as "The Lion" leaving the dorm in a towel. Another student has just come forward claiming to have seen a trash bag full of hair in the president's office. So far the security team is on high alert, and would appreciate any new leads or tips (call 555-1337).

Grounded Players Feel Cheated As VC Quidditch Team Can Only Afford A Few Flying Broomsticks

          As the college's Quidditch Team prepares for their spring season, they have decided to put the majority of their budget towards purchasing several flying broomsticks. These are state-of-the-art broomsticks that allow players to fly up to 3 feet off the ground. The college administration has voiced concern about the safety of  these devices as several students have already injured themselves by falling off. 

          But the major controversy came when the captains announced that there would not be enough new broomsticks for the whole team. Only senior players get to use them, which has caused a split in the team dynamics. On a practical level, the players on the ground are expected to continue running drills as they will need their legs for speed, while players on brooms practice flying around campus. Practice is extremely disorganized as flying players will take possession of the ball, keeping it from grounded players, and vice versa. This formidable game of keep-away is likely to last as long as the team uses flying broomsticks. 

Popular 'Eccentric' Professor Actually Just Hobo

           One of the more memorable professors on campus has just been unmasked as being a regular homeless guy. He was most well known as "The Lion" (birth name: John Johnson) but also responded to Jimmy, Stanky Leg, Sibyl, Rocket Booster, and Cappé. Frequently seen on campus, he was quite well-known.

           Students were shocked to learn his real identity. "I had Professory Smigle last spring! He taught that course on Reaching Religious Heights Within Means. Wait..." replied one sophomore. One junior reported that Coach Mudslides had coached the Ultimate Frisbee team to victory last May, and another claimed that they frequently discussed philosophy with him outside the library.

          These students all described the same slight, oddly dressed man with wiry glasses and figure. His true identity was revealed when campus patrol arrested him last night for sleeping under the dining hall pavilion. He possessed no ID, but did have a Buy 7 Get 1 Free card from the Krafted Kup. 

Recently, Like-a-Little Flooded with Pleas for 'Companionship,' Students are Bewildered and Traffic to the Site Plunges

          Like-a-Little makes a point of being a way to chat with other people and express interest in those around you. A few months ago, when this reporter went on Like-a-Little, he was bombarded with messages like "A/S/L?", "Wheres da party at?". Here is an actual conversation between himself and another random student at the time (reporter is Blueberry_789).

Strawberry_989@VC: asl?

Blueberry_789@VC: m/19/vassar

Strawberry_989@VC: m/19/big dick

Blueberry_789@VC: very interesting

Strawberry_989@VC: where you att

Blueberry_789@VC: at vassar

Strawberry_989@VC: me too

come to main ;)

Blueberry_789@VC: its so cold outside....

Strawberry_989@VC: ill come to you?

Blueberry_789@VC: no thank you.

The tone of this conversation was an obvious ploy to engage in sexual relations.


          But recently there has been a drastic shift towards casual conversations, on topics ranging from music to favourite movies and food. Here is the transcript of a conversation the report had recently (reporter is Grapefruit_769):

Grapefruit_769@VC: how has your day been?

Melon_105@VC: it's been okay. i've been having a lot of conflicting emotions

Grapefruit_769@VC: oh, I'm so sorry. Want to talk about it?

This trend has caused the traffic to the site to plummet as people are being subjected to these long winded conversations about life, respect, trust and companionship.

Shared Segway Program Boasts Few Injuries, Community Feeling

One student enjoys a ride on her shared Segway.

           Desperate to prove that communities can have successful shared transportation programs, the school has invested in a fleet of twenty Segways this semester. Unlike the Shared Bike Program, the Shared Segway Program  has been met with complete cooperation. The bike program was shut down because most of the bikes wound up damaged and those that survived were being hoarded by a select few, a conclusion that should have been foreseen considering that there has never been a successful shared bike program anywhere, ever.

           Piggybacking off the success of the Zip Cars, it was decided that a more expensive piece of technology would be better treated by users. The school purchased the economic i2 Commuter model, which at 105 pounds can go at most 12.5 mph. Because the Segway must be recharged every night, it will be harder for students to hoard, and ensure that each day the fleet is checked for damages. Each student must undergo a training seminar to be eligible to participate.

           Now in week three of the program, the results are in: success! Students report that the Segways ease travel time and are for the most part simple to use. Only two students have suffered injuries as a result of use, and that was because they attempted to have a Segway Duel. Fortunately, no harm came to the machines.

           To participate, contact the new Segway Department at 555-3425 to fill out an application today!

A Banksy Spotted On Campus, Chaos Ensues

          Breaking News -- Earlier today, two students spotted a Banksy work outside of the campus dining hall. Its authenticity has been confirmed by Banksy's people as well as a several professors on-campus familiar with his work. 
          As word got out, students rushed to see the work. Several students were injured in the mad scramble, including broken ankles and scraped hands. 
          Students are flocking to the work, taking pictures of it, posing with it and sharing it with the world. There is an ever growing crowd as people from miles away make the trip to see Banksy's newest work. People have set up small devotional stands next to the work to offer flowers, candles and even pieces of their own art to be near the famous work. There will be a candle-light vigil held tonight from 8:00pm to 5:00am. The college's Art Museum has already made plans to cut down the wall and install it permanently in the gallery space. 
          Several students claimed to have seen the notorious Banksy himself. However, they were not sure, citing that "many students on campus have that countercultural struggling artist look going on." At any rate, we are extremely grateful and eternally indebted to Banksy for his contribution to the college's posterity. 

Ghost That Haunts Shakespeare Garden Forgets Lines

Photo purporting to show Ole Billy

            The third-oldest ghost on campus has been hit with memory problems. Known for reciting Shakespeare's most famous soliloquies, recent visitors have been disappointed by the mumbling ghost, known affectionately on campus as "Ole Billy." Even Hamlet's famous "To be, or not to be" speech, arguably one of the most famous monologues in the English language, fell victim to what can only be described as 'Post-Life Memory Loss'. "He started off strong, skittered through lines 65-72, completely skipped the middle portion and positively shouted the end," reports one sophomore.
          There is no known cure for PLML even though students and teachers alike have been dispensing advice. Theater professors have been instructing him to relax, while Psychology professors are wondering what could have happened to make Ole Billy forget his lines, blaming a 'traumatic event'. One senior offered some Ritalin, but is still trying to find a mode of ingestion. Until then, don't expect any winning performances, unless you bring your own copy of King Lear.

New Paperless Initiative Boosts Green Rating, Sets College Back $10,000

This is a projection of the new paperless policies being implemented by the college in the next few months.

          The college has always prided itself on being environmentally responsible. It currently has an overall B+ sustainability rating. The "Food & Recycling" sector scores at an A; "Student Involvement", of course, receives and A; "Transportation" receives an A; "Investment Priorities" receives an A; however "Buildings" has received a C rating. The buildings are bringing the college's sustainability rating down. 

          Now, pairing "Investment Priorities" with "Buildings", the college is investing in flat-screen television monitors for all of the dorms. These will replace the bulletin boards in main areas. This is expected to reduce the waste being generated in buildings as well as the wear on boards. Two monitors will be purchased for each of the 9 dorms on campus, at $600 each, which comes to around $10,800. Even though this is an extremely large sum of money, the college feels that over several decades the cost will offset the environmental impact of all of the paper bulletins being printed and posted in the student's dorms. 

Library Hires On-Call Spiritual Advisers Due to Students' 'Lack of Faith'

          "Why do men have nipples?" "Is there one move that is more likely to win at the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors?" "Can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool (HOV) lane?" "Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?" "Why can't you tickle yourself?" "What are Sea-Monkeys® anyway?" "How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?"
          How many of us have spent late nights pondering these age-old questions? Friendships are broken over them and countries fall under the weight of them. But the college has intervened and shipped in, straight from their spiritual sanctuaries, a flock of spiritual leaders and advisors. They are on call 24/7 to consult about the most pressing matters ranging from love advice to existential malfeasances. 

Trial Rent-A-Cat Program Unanimous Success

          Many students can be heard lamenting the fact that their precious cats are left at home during the academic year. These animals provide companionship, comfort, and relaxation. At the beginning of the semester the school started a new Rent-A-Cat (or Kitty) program to provide students with something to replace the hole in their hearts'. RACK's trial program began with a select group of students who answered a previous survey about pets. Each was given a phone number to call and could "rent" a feline for up to 8 hours.

          One student tester who agreed to be interviewed for this article was extremely complimentary of the program. "I really miss my cats Spaghetti and Sugar; sometimes it really gets me down. But lately I've been cuddling with my favorite RACK animal, Bologna, before bed and been feeling a lot better. Bologna even has that great sandpaper tongue" says James T. 2014. His sentiments are echoed from other testers. Expect to be able to sign up in the next few weeks!

Security Implements New Policy: Covert Door-to-Door Sales

           The college has authorized security members to perform door-to-door solicitations, selling various items, ranging from cookies, fruits and hot chocolate to knock-off handbags. In the past, there has been concern about the unfriendly demeanor of security officers on campus. This initiative has been undertaken in order to generate revenue. The money will likely go towards buying a new fleet of Segways. 


           This new measure is done in an attempt to covertly survey high-risk rooms. The theory is that if you catch the scent of pleather and baked goods wafting under your door, you are more likely to open it. And if you get written up, you can immediately buy cookies and hot chocolate to forget your sorrows. As a formal warning, if you hear a heavy, slow knock at the door, remember to ask who it is.

New Shower Measures to Take Place in Fall 2013

A proposed shower stall.

          The V-Card Finance Office announced today a new measure for the fall semester concerning showering. Each bathroom stall will be equipped with a V-Card Machine, similar to those in the laundry rooms, to keep track of student’s showering minutes. 1 minute in the shower is equivalent to two sheets of paper printed on a V-Print black and white printer ($0.10). Ideally showers should last 20 minutes or less, so a typical shower would be $2, $14 per week and $204 per semester. 

          If students wish to take longer showers they will be able to put more V-Washes on their card. This new initiative will help alert us to how much water we use when we shower and furthering Vassar's commitment to the environment.

Deece starts "Rainbow Initiative," serving only one color of food every day