Library Hires On-Call Spiritual Advisers Due to Students' 'Lack of Faith'

          "Why do men have nipples?" "Is there one move that is more likely to win at the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors?" "Can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool (HOV) lane?" "Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?" "Why can't you tickle yourself?" "What are Sea-Monkeys® anyway?" "How much wood would a Woodchuck chuck chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood?"
          How many of us have spent late nights pondering these age-old questions? Friendships are broken over them and countries fall under the weight of them. But the college has intervened and shipped in, straight from their spiritual sanctuaries, a flock of spiritual leaders and advisors. They are on call 24/7 to consult about the most pressing matters ranging from love advice to existential malfeasances.