Overzealous New Trashcans Causing Fear on Campus

As close to the trashcans as our reporters were willing to get.

          We all admired the new solar-powered trashcans that appeared on campus after Spring Break, with their high tech look and flashing green lights. But stories are emerging about a darker side to the waste-crushing machines. "It took my 20 page art history paper as I was throwing out a cup" claimed one junior, Pat Agonia. It is feared that trash is their liveblood, and we are only strengthening them everyday. Some are now questioning where the cans came from, after no one was able to come forward taking responsibility; it is widely believed they ate the old trashcans and replaced them in the night.
           Most alarming are reports that one can allegedly ate a freshmen, Nell Anvoid, the only evidence being a ripped backpack laying a few feet away. Unfortunately the evidence is gone after Security, thinking it was just trash, threw it in another compactor.