Psychologist Studies VPRINT Job Names; Recommends Entire Student Body for Psychiatric Treatment

          Today, a visiting psychology professor announced results of her investigation of the names VC students give to their VPRINT jobs.  While she expected results to be "mundane and unworthy of further study," she has instead announced that results left her "shocked, offended, and concerned."
           The professor reports a "shockingly high" percentage of the names students give to print jobs indicate some form of mental instability.  "Never before have I seen such a high concentration of vulgarity, incoherent gibberish, and disturbing scatological imagery," says the professor.  "It would seem to me that the vast majority of students at this institution are suffering from some severe combination of emotional disorders."
           When asked to make a specific diagnosis, the professor said, "No known mental disease can produce such an eclectic combination of enraged outbursts, explicit sexual references, outbursts of completely meaningless keyboard-banging gibberish, and profanity.  The only symptom to show up in over 70% of patients was a tendency to make unspeakable threats against the school's printers."
           When asked if anyone in the student body appeared mentally healthy, the professor replied with, "Sadly, very few.  Roughly 3% of the students I studied actually gave their print jobs names that were relevant, such as 'chemistry_assignment.'  In one particularly heartbreaking case I watched a student descend in to madness.  Their job names decayed steadily from 'english_essay' to 'english essay, please actually print this time?' to 'DAMMIT, PRINTER, WHY AREN'T YOU PRINTING' to 'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK' and finally to 'AJAIHDFIJ#@9ru9ejfd2ij3!409r.'  Clearly the entire campus is at risk."
           In response, the professor has suggested that the entire student body immediately seek psychiatric care.  "This is an emergency," says the professor, "By my calculations, anyone capable of producing this high a volume of warped, incoherent, confused and immature V-Print names is in need of treatment.  In fact, statistically speaking, everyone at this school should have had nineteen nervous breakdowns since this morning."
           The school administration is "troubled" by these findings and has announced a Dialogue/Open Mic Night for students to share their concerns and reactions.  Posters for this event can be expected to go up within the week, assuming that someone can find a working printer on campus.