Spontaneously-Combustible Furniture Found All Around Campus

This couch caught fire while Av Erage '13 was sitting on it. She was taken to the hospital with minor burns on her back and legs.

          How many times have you been sitting on a couch and little bits of it start to catch fire? For this reporter, countless. 

          For years people have been sitting on couches with little to no risk of fire. However, due to some cosmological shifts in the greater universe, couches everywhere have been sponaneously combusting. This inexplicable turn of events has caught the attention of the local fire department. 

          The fire department has declared a state of emergency, with VC Security Forces following suit. They have come up with several proposals to discourage couch use. One plan is to make the couches smell so bad that people will not want to sit on them by dousing them with gasoline. Another is to hire the local homeless to chill on the couches, hopefully repelling college students. 

           VC Security is very proud of their plans and hopes they will be effective. This reporter is confident that none of this will work and that they have no idea what they are doing, ever. And warns students to stay far away from any furniture for the time being.