In a groundbreaking coup, VC Nargus reporter Ann Arky has landed an interview with a former Barefoot Monkey, who was recently let go of the circus troupe for refusing to perform barefoot. Arky speaks to the disgruntled former Monkey, who is planning to file a lawsuit any day now.
AA: When did you start as a Monkey?
Marshal Arts*: Well, I joined the Monkeys about a month ago, I'm a fruit juggler see. Usually whatever I can get from the Deece: apples, oranges, bananas. When I perform, I like to use bigger pieces of fruit: grapefruits, cantaloupes, watermelons and the like.
AA: No vegetables?
MM: Veggies just don't have that sense of fun that fruits do. Not as colorful.
AA: Did you always wear shoes to practices?
MM: Yeah, and no one seemed to have a problem with it. I wasn't the only one either, it is winter afterall. But two weeks ago we had a rehearsal practice outside, and I noticed I was the only one wearing any type of footwear.
AA: What type of shoes were you wearing? Our readers want to know!
MM: When we practice I usually wear my red Nike Deuces, but that day I had on Keds. No one ever said anything to me, but the next day I got an e-mail calling me to a "special disciplinary hearing" in the Villard Room. I showed up and the Council of Aged Apes was there in a row with a chair for me.
AA: What is the Council of Aged Apes?
MM: This was the first time I had heard about them too, and if I wasn't already let go I wouldn't be telling you about them, but they are the seven most senior members of the group who deal with disciplinary matters within the group.
AA: Wow, that certainly is a quite startling revelation. Could you identify them for us?
MM: They were all wearing monkey half-masks, but I knew who they were. I can't tell you though, I'm still a little terrified.
AA: What did they say to you?
MM: In a nutshell, they told me that I had to renounce my shoe-wearing ways, or else risk expulsion from the troupe. They said I was an embarrassment to all members of the club. Then they put a metal wastepaper basket in front of me and told me to throw my shoes in and burn it, to fully cleanse myself of the "wicked ways of footwear."
AA: That sounds awful, what did you say in response?
MM: I told them there was no way in hell I was performing barefoot, or doing anything barefoot. I even wear shoes in the shower. I mean, it's winter for monkey's sake! I also have a medical reason: terrible planters warts. I have to keep them covered 24/7 if I have any hope of getting rid of them. I also tried to play the fire safety card, but those pyromaniacs didn't give a baboon's ass about that.
AA: And that wasn't a good enough excuse?
MM: They didn't give a rotten banana about my excuse, though they were quite interested in examining my warts. Finally, they announced that I was to be let go, and they bombarded me with rotten fruit.
AA: They threw rotten fruit at you?
MM: Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was a knock at my act, or just their ritual way of expelling someone from the group. Anyways, by the time I had gotten back to my dorm, I reeked and some of it had frozen to my skin. The upside is that my cheeks are really soft now.
AA: That sounds quite traumatic. What are you planning to do now?
MM: I'm filling a lawsuit against the school, more specifically the troupe. If that doesn't work, then I'll have to start my own, footwear based circus group.
AA: Well, I wish you the greatest success with your lawsuit, and hope that in the future, no one will be turned away because of his/her decision to wear shoes.
*Name has been changed to protect his/her identity.
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