Psychologist Studies VPRINT Job Names; Recommends Entire Student Body for Psychiatric Treatment

          Today, a visiting psychology professor announced results of her investigation of the names VC students give to their VPRINT jobs.  While she expected results to be "mundane and unworthy of further study," she has instead announced that results left her "shocked, offended, and concerned."
           The professor reports a "shockingly high" percentage of the names students give to print jobs indicate some form of mental instability.  "Never before have I seen such a high concentration of vulgarity, incoherent gibberish, and disturbing scatological imagery," says the professor.  "It would seem to me that the vast majority of students at this institution are suffering from some severe combination of emotional disorders."
           When asked to make a specific diagnosis, the professor said, "No known mental disease can produce such an eclectic combination of enraged outbursts, explicit sexual references, outbursts of completely meaningless keyboard-banging gibberish, and profanity.  The only symptom to show up in over 70% of patients was a tendency to make unspeakable threats against the school's printers."
           When asked if anyone in the student body appeared mentally healthy, the professor replied with, "Sadly, very few.  Roughly 3% of the students I studied actually gave their print jobs names that were relevant, such as 'chemistry_assignment.'  In one particularly heartbreaking case I watched a student descend in to madness.  Their job names decayed steadily from 'english_essay' to 'english essay, please actually print this time?' to 'DAMMIT, PRINTER, WHY AREN'T YOU PRINTING' to 'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK' and finally to 'AJAIHDFIJ#@9ru9ejfd2ij3!409r.'  Clearly the entire campus is at risk."
           In response, the professor has suggested that the entire student body immediately seek psychiatric care.  "This is an emergency," says the professor, "By my calculations, anyone capable of producing this high a volume of warped, incoherent, confused and immature V-Print names is in need of treatment.  In fact, statistically speaking, everyone at this school should have had nineteen nervous breakdowns since this morning."
           The school administration is "troubled" by these findings and has announced a Dialogue/Open Mic Night for students to share their concerns and reactions.  Posters for this event can be expected to go up within the week, assuming that someone can find a working printer on campus.

One Student Says He Lacks The Approval He Feels He Deserves From His Peers

          Late Thursday night, Junior Sam Jones says he "polished off a bottle of SoCo and went to a party at the TH's with some theatre friends." Upon arriving, he was dissapointed at the lack of recognition his entrance got. 

          Ever since Freshman year when a girl told him he had a weak jawline, Jones has tried several methods to gain the approval of his peers. He has fully eleminated all pronouns from his vocabulary, considering their lack of objectivity "stunningly obsolete". He has adopted a 5-hours, twice a day sleep schedule, saying it "helps keep up with both groups of friends."

           Maybe it was his parents who coddled his ego into the hairless cat it is today, or the fact that he was born without a left kidney, needless to say, Jones should take up a hobby, like puzzles or something, and stop seeking the approval of his peers.

One Student Raises Critical Question: What Has My Modern Art Professor Been Talking About For The Past Hour and A Half?

          At the end of Art 269 yesterday, when the professor asked if there were any questions, one student boldly raised her hand and said "What are you talking about?" Asked to elaborate, she went on "I understood up until 10:45, and then you lost me." The students around gave encouraging nods of agreement that the professor returned with a blank stare. "Well, you see, I was trying to explain the translational qualities of this structure and these paper mache pieces along a subtle but exploratory lineage that flows temporally but is also stagnant. See!"
           When the class failed to grasp this, the professor continued to try to explain herself while simultaneously backing out of the room. Once at the doorway, she quickly ducked and ran. Later spotted at The Retreat, she was allegedly mumbling to herself about temporality while stockpiling old issues of The Miscellany News for more paper mache.

Investigation Reveals Student’s “Rubber Duck” Art Project Mistaken for April Fools Joke

       CONTRIBUTING REPORTER - At the beginning of the month, VC students were amused to wake up to a campus filled with rubber ducks. This incident was presumed to be a large-scale practical joke and became a topic of conversation for several weeks. However it has recently emerged that the presumed “joke” was, in fact, an ambitious art project aimed at challenging social norms while exploring new areas of artistic expression.
       A student, who wishes to remain nameless, was responsible for the conception and execution of the project, and spoke in confidence to a Nargus journalist.
       “The idea was to create something to make everyone seriously question how they see their social, political, and spatial place in society,” said the student, “The rubber ducks were meant to shock students in to becoming aware of their surroundings.  Too often we walk through life taking for granted what we should be astounded by – ourselves, the connections we make, the problems of our world… that’s what the ducks were all about.  I was using the campus as my canvas to try to teach us all a bit about ourselves. “
       The student was “devastated” when her project was seen as a joke.
       “On the morning of April 1st I was expecting to see people realize the power of my creation. But when I stepped out of my room, not only was nobody in tears, people were actually LAUGHING!”
       This incident does not represent the first time that a great work of modern art when unappreciated on campus, says the art department.
       “Troubling incidents such as this have happened before,” says a representative of the department, “As it turns out, Noyes was never meant to be a dorm but was instead a modernist sculpture called ‘The Cheese Grater Looks Inwards.’ The artist who created it was shocked when students took up residence in the hall.  He became disillusioned, and not long after switched his major to Chemistry.”
       Other such incidents include an incident several years ago in which a performance art project known as “Butt Grabbing in the Post-Gendered World,” was mistaken for inappropriate harassment.
       “Clearly this community has something more to learn about fine art,” says an art department faculty member, “Hopefully next year’s Whoopie Cushion Project will finally put art in its rightful place as one of our most serious disciplines.”

Dear Nargus Readers,
         This past week you have may noticed a complete lack of articles. Last Monday we were left a tip from a concerned reader about the wompwomp drug running story. It turned out we had stumbled on something much hairier. In our weeklong undercover investigation we found that the creatures have actually formed a mafia on campus. Fortunately they have not yet mastered, or really discovered, technology, so we will continue to bring updates via the inter-web.


Sincerely,
Editors-in-Chiefs

VC Patrol Recruiting Members for Campus Militia

A member of Matt's Militia shows how to correctly shoot a potato gun.

          Have you been hearing war cries at 3 a.m.? Observed groups of students performing drills in the wee hours of the morning? Noticed an extra dose of fatigue and paranoia in Patrol members? The VC Nargus can exclusively report that Patrol has begun training as a militia group, nicknamed Matt's Militia.
          The leader of the student-run group spoke with us exclusively under anonymity, and claimed she was only trying to keep VC safe. General Sauce described complex security drills and claims she keeps at least 2 soldiers stationed at the entrances from dawn until dusk, ready to attack with brand-new potato guns. She did admit that so far they had only had an altercation with a pack of wompwomps coming back from a late night, but General Sauce claims that Matt's Militia is an integral part of VC security.

Administration Assumes Students Can Afford iPads

          As loyal Mac users, VC students would seem like ideal targets of Apple's sleek, progressive marketing. However, a new set of banners in the College Center, totaling over $900, advertising the new iPad will likely end up being a waste of money.

          One VC Nargus reporter has calculated an equvalency chart. One new iPad, starting at $499, could also buy you one of the following:

- 71 hamburgers at The Retreat

- 38 12-packs of Natty Light

- 8 day trips to King's Dominion

- 2403.8 mega-bouncing balls

- 6 blow-up sex dolls

          Needless to say, I hope a drunk student either pees on, defaces or steals these presumptuous posters tonight.

Professor Hands Papers Back Ungraded, Claims He Used Invisible Ink

          English 279 got a surprise today when their papers were handed back in 2 weeks instead of the usual 5, but got a shock when the papers were void of any comments, corrections or grade. After a few minutes of silence while the professor continued his lesson, one brave junior asked the professor why the papers were ungraded. Professor Dambusta replied that he had written everything in invisble ink, and they all must figure out how to read it for themselves. So far, none of the students have managed to find the alleged comments.

Horrific Accident Fails to Dissuade Mason Jar Use

          You've seen them around on campus, carrying their liquid in mason jars or old pickle containers. You might have wondered why, if someone can afford 56k for tuition, they cannot afford to purchase a cup. This affectation, usually associated with hipsters but not contained to them, is confusing to the rest of us with stainless steel water bottles, plastic cups, or even those odd bag-bottles. The dangers of carrying around these glass containers came to a head yesterday when Izzy Able, a junior, lost the tips of 3 fingers and needed 10 stitches after falling and having his hand crushed by the breaking glass.
          But neither Izzy nor his fellow Mason Jar users have changed their mind about using these delicate glass containers. "It's all we have in our TH; I don't see any problem with them. This was just a freak accident" says Izzy. Maybe, maybe not. The Security Task Force has recorded 26 Mason jar related accidents in the last two years alone, totaling in a loss of 8.3 fingers, 150 stitches and one broken nose. Perhaps a ban is in order, à la the bottled water ban, or maybe those users could find a safer way to carry their drinks.

Rash of Peep Fights Destroys All Microwaves on Campus

          With Easter comes those delicious chick-shaped marshmallow delights, and also that age old game of Peep Fighting, where two peeps are placed in a microwave and fight to the death until one explodes. An influx of peeps due their record low prices this year prompted a massive number of fights to take place, with students betting everything from a few dollars to meal swipes.
           Unfortunately the old microwaves on campus couldn't hack it and there are now no working microwaves on campus. This may be for the best, as no one wanted to clean up the sticky carnage left over from the epic battles.

Womp Womps Discovered to Be Drug Runners On Campus

This womp womp seems to have gotten high on his own supply.

           Why do the dirty work when you can have an animal take the fall? Early this morning, a strung-out womp womp was discovered trying to solicit sexual favors to a freshman. The womp womp was carrying a small satchell filled with all sorts of drug stuff. Far from the affectionate animals seen running around campus, womp womps are visciously loyal, extremely territorial and will f**ck you up if you try to steal their corner. Womp womps have become the hustlers at VC. It is even suspected that there may be prostitution ring forming under womp womp leader Rev. Quatro Foil.

Lack of Entries Causes VC to Open Elections to Greater Arlington Area

          With only 3 days left of filing for VC elections, the majority of positions have either one student running or no one at all. This lack of interest in student government is not new; last year the top most position, president of the executive board, went uncontested. In order to liven up proceedings, this year the VSA has decided to open up positions to anyone living in the Arlington area, or approximately within 5 miles of the college.
         A surprising number of entrants have come forward, including Krafted Cup owner Chris Anthemum, Head Wompwomp Caesar, and that guy who lives on top of the ski shop. Students are worried these outsiders may have ulterior motives for running. One senior, who wished to remain anonymous, claims that Caesar is going to try to build a new wompwomp compound on top of Noyes. Fear of wompwomp invasion aside, hopefully these new entrants will add some spunk to the election season.

Men's Lacrosse and Baseball Teams Hold 'Kitchen-In' to Support Women

          At this very moment, the men's lacrosse and baseball teams, in hot water over a controversial poster, are holding a Kitchen-In to show that they are sorry. The poster proclaimed "Guys, Please Come Drunk, Girls Stay in the Kitchen" so in recompense the two teams are spending 12 hours in the kitchen and living rooms of their respective team TH's cooking, cleaning, and understanding the hard life that women lead as homemakers. Some have even (questionably) elected to wear simulation pregnancy bellies, to fully understand what it means to Be Woman.
          As of right now, 5 hours in, there does seem to be some change. "Wow, this is even harder than team practice!" proclaimed baseball sophomore Apoop Mapanz. And Justin Case, a lacrosse junior, said that he "really understands what kind of hard work my future wife is going to have to do (cross my fingers for a Vassar girl!)."
UPDATE (6 hours in): It appears that the teams' female counterparts are contributing at the halfway point by getting drunk outside and then getting sick all over the just cleaned houses, for a true role-reversal.

Spontaneously-Combustible Furniture Found All Around Campus

This couch caught fire while Av Erage '13 was sitting on it. She was taken to the hospital with minor burns on her back and legs.

          How many times have you been sitting on a couch and little bits of it start to catch fire? For this reporter, countless. 

          For years people have been sitting on couches with little to no risk of fire. However, due to some cosmological shifts in the greater universe, couches everywhere have been sponaneously combusting. This inexplicable turn of events has caught the attention of the local fire department. 

          The fire department has declared a state of emergency, with VC Security Forces following suit. They have come up with several proposals to discourage couch use. One plan is to make the couches smell so bad that people will not want to sit on them by dousing them with gasoline. Another is to hire the local homeless to chill on the couches, hopefully repelling college students. 

           VC Security is very proud of their plans and hopes they will be effective. This reporter is confident that none of this will work and that they have no idea what they are doing, ever. And warns students to stay far away from any furniture for the time being.

Student Realizes He's Compensating for Something with 6 Foot Bong

          Late last night, Hugh Canduit '13, was sitting down to enjoy his 6 foot water-pipe when he had an epiphany about its phallic shape. After having a good laugh, he realized his water-pipe could be seen as a substitute penis. "I can't believe I'd never noticed before how I'm using this long tubular structure as an imitation of my manly-hood."
          Embarrassed, he quickly tried to pawn it off on a female, but most responded that they didn't want a water-pipe that "makes me feel like I'm sucking dick" as Sue Age '15 so succinctly put it. 

Women's Study Class Takes Field Trip to Men's Bathroom to Study Graffiti

          Good God people, have you no decency? Sitting on the toilet, doing your buisness, and all you can think about are ways to defile our beloved Meryll Streep, or make fun of people with short limbs. 

          Graffiti in bathroom stalls has held a special place in the hearts of adolecents. It is an outlet for collective expression. A paragon of the ways in which our democratic society has failed to fully suppress homophobia, rascism, and sexism.

          Functioning as excellent primary source material, WMST 232: Society and Gender, Generally  has decided to utilize the men's bathrooms as a case study for their final projects. Each student will get a 2x2ft square to study, unpack and analyze. 

          Best of luck to you all.

Half of Poughkeepsie Disappears, Students Fail To Notice

          CONTRIBUTING REPORTER - In what was described as “one of the strangest phenomenons of the 21 century” by local journalists, it seems that roughly half of the Poughkeepsie area has mysteriously vanished.  At around 7:03 AM this morning, residents woke up to find the entire western half of Poughkeepsie eerily gone; not a building or person could be seen.  In a state of panic, hundreds of people called the police, and soon the National Guard was brought in to see just what had happened.
          However, only a few miles from this happenstance, life at Vassar College seemed to go on blissfully unaffected.  Students seemed to have no idea that anything had occurred in the city around them; indeed, some were surprised to find out that there was something beyond Raymond Avenue.  When questioned whether she had ever been of campus, a sophomore girl, somewhat confused, replied, “Wait, do you mean off-campus? Or, like…off, off-campus?"  Sadly, we had no idea what she meant. 
          Moving on, we questioned self-proclaimed “lax bro”, Chet Browman, about his feelings concerning Poughkeepsie’s recent developments.  His answer was “I don’t really know what you’re talking about, but man, check out the omelet line.  S***t’s killer, bro.” 
          In other news, a Facebook petition to “Save Poughkeepsie” was created by a couple Vassar students in an attempt (we think?) to raise awareness about Poughkeepsie’s missing half.  However, the group has yet to define how they plan to save Poughkeepsie, or even what they are planning to save.

One Professor's Pop-Culture References Elicit Slow Laughs From Class

Professor Crindy

          Anthropology Professor Crindy has been working on new ways to engage her class this semester. After failed attempts to "turn her swag on", Crindy now tries throwing out references to popular culture for her students. The references are far reaching, hoping to engage at least a few students. She has tried, "This caveman could use a shave, what can I say, I like the beard-less Brad Pit," or "How about this economic development in 1930's France? It reminds me of that scene from American Pie with Stifler's mom," and "Democracy undermines class stratification, kind of like The Chapelle Show."

     However, trying to connect the dots is futile. Crindy has no idea what she is talking about. She gets most references from her 14 year old daughter and 12 year old son. Needless to say, the generational gap is not easily filled and Crindy may want to revert to screening films in class from now on.

          

Another Year, Another Undefeated Football Season for VC

          GUEST REPORTER-Well folks, they have done it again. The VC football dynasty dating back to the mid-1800s remains undefeated. The feeling of elation burns strong in the Upstate New York campus. The sustained excellence and ability to keep the program Paterno, excuse me, scandal free add to the prestige surrounding the storied tradition that is VC football. Unlike many other historically strong programs, VC shies away from the athletic spotlight and is content to highlight other impressive aspects of the school. Local Po-town resident, Nichole Polizzi, is a self-identified super fan saying that “[she] has never missed a game in her life.” 

The mystique surrounding the team is palpable. The head coach is seemingly unreachable, the players remain anonymous to outsiders and the field is nowhere to be found. Historians maintain that VC was the original football powerhouse and that the BCS system is what keeps the team from national recognition. Analyst and former coach, Mike Ditka, is one of many advocates demanding that the NCAA induct every VC team since the creation of the program into the College Athletics Hall of Fame. Last Wednesday at a press conference Ditka remarked “These guys have always been the toughest. It was always one of Bear Bryant’s biggest regrets that he never beat Vassar. Let me tell you, if my ’85 Bears team played the 85’ Vassar team, I honestly don’t know who would have won. The seniors on that team just did not know how to lose. Four straight years without a loss is simply unheard of in big time football.” As we can all see, VC, has been, has and will have one of the greatest legacies in the history of organized sport. 

New Fire Safety Policy Proposes Lead-Box Housing

          The Fire Safety Squad (FSS) has been extremely busy these past few months. They've thrown up signs all over campus announcing violations, regulations, and even a few sonambulations. They have shut down elevators and generally laid down the law when it comes to the safety and flammability of every single thing on campus. 

          A recent proposal hoped to ban upholstered furniture at VC, causing controversy among many students living off campus. But the Fire Safety Squad is reconsidering the effect this may have on student's freedoms.

          Instead, they are proposing to eliminate the traditional dorm structure all together and replacing rooms with fully fire-resistant lead-box housing units (prototypes pictured here). However, the Office of Health is concerned that the lead may leech into the students belongings and cause lead poisoning.

          Details to follow.